This week we have been studying the different types of sentences to avoid in our writing. Today, we are going to go back over our previous blog entries and edit them. This should help you understand your own difficulties in writing, as well as give you the opportunity to work with your peers.
The 3 Types of Sentences we have been learning to avoid are:
Empty Sentences - Repeat thoughts, no opinions
Example: “I had a great meal for lunch and it was really delicious.”
Padded Sentences- Use too many words to say 1 thing
Example" “I believe that this story represents life because it is cool.”
Overloaded Sentences - Run-Ons
Example: “The boy went to store to buy some Doritos but the manager told him they were out of Doritos because a truck was robbed by the Doritos bandit, and he said that the FBI was now looking for the man or woman but there was no sign he would be stopped anytime soon, and the boy was sad because he really wanted some Doritos.”
Your Task Today (and Possibly tomorrow!):
- Read your own and the blog entries of your peers posted on previous weeks and look for these three types of sentences to avoid.
- When you have found examples of these sentences, copy them into a word document, and re-construct the sentences to be more effective.
- When you have identified and reconstruct 5 sentences, copy and paste the word document as a comment for this entry.
18 comments:
What I found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective.
i think me my self and a lot of people act different in groups sometimes.
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effective.
My self and a lot of people act different in groups.
What I found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective.
Well its good to understand words we don't know because it will help us become a better reader in life
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effective.
Its good to understand words we don’t know because it will help us become better readers.
What I found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective.
The boarder with color and race is still around today.
In my opinion i think people get scared of what they dont know and its nature for humans to want to blame problems on other people that are diffrent, but placing the blame doesnt solve anything.
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effective.
The boarder with color and race is still around.
In my opinion people get scared of what they dont know and its nature for humans to want to blame their problems on others that are different. Placing the blame on others only makes it worse on yourself.
What I found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective.
I think that it would have changed the stor because it would be 1 on 1
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effective.
It would have changed the story because it would be one on one.
What I found/Before/Wrong/Ineffective.
think the story would have been diffrent if Margot had her own group of friends who were on her side because it wouldnt have just been her aganst the whole class and she would have never got locked in the closet.
How I fixed it/After/Right/Effective.
The story would have been diffrent if Margot had her own group of friends who were on her side because it wouldnt have just been her aganst the whole class.
1. I played basketball day and night pacticing trying to become better.
- I played all day trying to become better.
2. It all started when i was 3yrs old when i first saw my dad and my cousin kevin was playing basketball at this basketball league.
- I first saw my dad when I was 3yrs old at my cousin Kevin’s basketball game.
3. So one day he took me to the league and he said do i wanna play for this league i said so my dad asked my cousin don can he play he said sure then thats how it started.
- So one day he took me to the league and asked if I wanted join. I said yes and that’s how it all started.
4. I been playing for my cousin league i have been playing for him for at least 12yrs i always got to play with him for free.
- I have been playing for that league for 12yrs. I play for free because its my cousins league.
5. So then like 1yr i played and i twisted my ankle and i was out for like 1yr or 2 for twisting it.
- One I twisted my ankle and couldn’t play for a year or two.
Julian V. said...
It is important to understand and identify words I didn’t know for many reasons. One reason is, so I could understand what I’m reading. And I could identify it so when the word comes up later on I will understand what it means. Increasing your vocabulary helps you understand the world around you because you will know much more meanings to large vocabulary words
And for #3 I wasn’t here, so I couldn’t answer the question. I think this quote “You can never use a new word until you ‘own’ it” means one thing. One thing is… (Not finished)
(Edited Version)
It is important to understand and identify words i didnt know for many reasons. One reason is , so i couldnt understand what im reading and not be stuck wondering what the word means. And i could identify it so when the word comes up later on i will understand what it means. Increasing your vocabulary helpls you understand the world around you because you will know much more meanings to large vocab word, and knowing more gets you further in life.
And for #3 i wasnt here ,so i couldnt answer the question. I think this quote “You can never use a new word until you ‘own’ it” means 1 things. One thing is
(Original Version)
Sentence Reconstruction Jimmy Ulrich
1. Wrong:
I think that if it was one on one maybe they would have been able to work it out.
Right:
If it was one on one maybe they would have been able to work it out.
2. Wrong:
I think if there wassnt as many people going for Margot it wouldnt be as bad.
Right:
If there wassn’t as many people going for Margot, it wouldnt be as bad.
3. Wrong:
I think that if there is a group of people against one person than the group of people would win.
Right:
If there is a group of people against one person than the group of people would win.
4. Wrong:
I think the story would have been diffrent if Margot had her own group of friends who were on her side because it wouldnt have just been her aganst the whole class and she would have never got locked in the closet.
Right:
The story would have been diffrent if Margot had her own group of friends who were on her side because it wouldnt have just been her aganst the whole class, she would have never got locked in the closet.
5. Wrong:
I think this story is stupid. Just like drama, gossip, slander whatever you would like to call it. Gossip is like a drug, everyone needs it one way or another.
Right:
This story is stupid. Just like drama, gossip, slander whatever you would like to call it.
Before –
1. I don't know really because I wasn't in her place.
2. That what people in the group that your in are doing you will follow them and do it too.
3. I think the wedding guest didn't believe Sergie about the kiss because they probably thought if you didn't do it then there was no point to explain yourself.
4. By doing this he gave the illusion that he had a guilty conscious when all he was trying to do was stop a rumor that wasn’t true.
5. I think they do prefer scandal because Sergie is a married man and to hear that he was kissing another woman just made them think that he was some type of player.
After-
1 I don’t know how margot feel because I wasn’t in her place.
2.When you are in a group, you enttend to follow them to.
3. The wedding guests didn’t believe surgie about the kiss because they probably thought he was guilty.
4He gave the illusion that he had a guilty conscious.
5They prefer scandal because Sergie is a married man and to hear that he was kissing another woman just made them think that he was some type of player.
1. Before:
*I think they would have because criticism can be made from only one person they really didn’t need that many students to make Margot feel like that.
After:
I think they would have because criticism can be made from only one person to make Margot feel like that.
2. Before:
- Most important time in ma life was when i graduated from 8th grade because i messed up alot & i was lucky that i even graduated from there none of the schools took me.
After:
Most important time in my life was when I was lucky enough to graduate from 8th grade. Since I had messed up so much no other schools would take me.
3. Before:
I been playing for my cousin league i have been playing for him for at least 12yrs i always got to play with him for free
After:
I have been playing for my cousin’s league for about 12 years. I always got to play for free.
4. Before:
Some events in my life like my family especially my mom have made me the man i am today.
After:
My family, especially my mom, is the reason why I am the man I am today.
5. Before:
And i think that if their was not so many children gangin up on margot i think she would been aight but at the same time margot should had defended herself.
After:
Margot would have been aright if all those kids didn’t gang up on her. Margot should have defended herself.
Segregation i feel still exists today. It might not be as bad as it used to be ,but it still exsists. If you look closely you can see the ratial things people do and say.Even in work areas you can see the seperation of differnt races.They say segregation stopped around the 60's, and it's still going in the 2,000's but getting better and better as the years progress.
Segregation, I feel still exists today. It might not be as bad as it used to be, but it still exists. If you look closely you can see the racial things people do and say. Even in work areas you can see the separation of different races. They say segregation stopped around the 60's, and it's still going in the 21st century but getting better and better as the years progress.
in my oppinion segregation still exists. Not exactly how it use to be but still segregation. there are the rich people with all the nice stuff. then there are the poor people strugling to keep there house and eat. then there are bumbs who are homeless and strugle to eat. the rich people go around showing off all there stuff. the poor people ask for stuff from the rich and get nothing from some cause there so greedy. people segregate a lot by how wealthy you are.
In my opinion segregation still exists but, not exactly how it use to be. There are the rich people with all the nice stuff, also the poor people struggling to keep their house and eat. Then there are bums who are homeless and struggle to eat. The rich people go around showing off all their stuff. The poor people ask for stuff from the rich and get nothing from some cause they are so greedy. People segregate a lot by how wealthy you are.
Before: I think the story would have been diffrent if Margot had her own group of friends who were on her side because it wouldnt have just been her aganst the whole class and she would have never got locked in the closet.
-After: The story would have been different if Margot had her own group of friends on her side, so it wouldn’t be her against the whole class. She would have never gotten locked in the closet.
Before: Drama is mainly caused by females. Males cause it to but where do you hear most drama? From females right..thought so. Drama isnt something that jus falls out the sky or rolls around in the hall.
-After: Drama is mainly caused by females, not many males cause drama. Drama is caused by people.
Before: So now everybody thinking the kiss with him and the cook Marfa is true. They all think Ahineyev is just trying to cover up what he did. So thats why the wedding party guess dono't believe Ahineyev's story about the kiss with him and Marfa.
-After: Everybody thinks that Ahineyev kissed the cook, because he is trying to cover it up.
Before: I am a dominican female named __________ I'm from North Camden but had to move because of all the terrible things going on.
-After: I am a dominican female named ______ I am from North Camden. I had to move because of all the terrible things going on.
Before: Segregation i feel still exists today.
-After: Segregation still exists today because blah blah blah.
1.I think that the people at the wedding din't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
2.Yes i think people prefer a scandal because if gives them something to talk about. Then they can tell other people. Next it starts to spread. People like scandals because its big news to them.
What I found wrong
“the reason that the wedding guest did not believe Ahinyenev story because he was first to tell what the rumor was about, Ahinyenev spilled the rumers himself.”
What I fixed
“The wedding guest did not believe Ahinyenev story because he was first to tell what the rumor was about, Ahinyenev spilled the rumors himself.”
What I found wrong
“They don't believe him because he was explaining himself when it made him look guilty.”
What I fixed
“They don't believe him because he was explaining himself”
What I found wrong
it. think I think that the people at the wedding din't believe him because he went around saying that “didn't do it.that the people at the wedding din't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't” do
what I fixed
“didn't do it.that the people at the wedding din't believe him”it.
What I found wrong
“Yes i think people prefer a scandal because if gives them something to talk about”
What I fixed
“Yes i think people prefer a scandal”
What I found wrong
“They didnt believe him cause he thought his friend told everyone”
What I fixed
“They didnt believe him”
Before: I think it's important for you to understand new words because if you don't you are not goin to want to expand on the things you don't know you would stick to what you do know and you won't get very far.
After: It’s important for you to understand new words because, if you don’t you are not going to want to expand on the things you don’t know. You would stick to what you do know and you won’t get very far.
Before: Having a big vocabuary is important like say Im reading a book and come across a word in the sentence and not understandoing what the sentence is saying because of certain words.
After: Having a big vocabulary is important. When I’m reading a book and come across a word in the sentence, I can’t understand what the sentence means because of the unknown words.
Before: Ok with my book I pretty much know all the words in my book so far.
After: I know most of the words in my book.
Before: I think that it is important to understand or figure out the meaning to words you didnt know because it helps you figure out what it is that there talking about in your book and helps to understand what it is that is going on in the book.
After: It’s important to understand or figure out the meaning of words you don’t know because it helps you understand what they’re talking about in the text.
Before: i think it is important to use contex clues when reading or listening to stuff.
After: It’s important to use context clues when reading and listening to things.
Before: #1
one being that say one of your friends goes and gets in a fight or robs a store or even kills someone and you were there because it was part of your group you are just as guilty.
After: #1
say one of your friends get in a fight, robs a store, or even kills someone, and you were there. You are just as guilty, because you were there with the group.
Before: #2
The group is feeling upset againts Margot cause she had some thing that none of the other people in the story had the memory of the sun.
After: #2
The group is feeling upset because Margot had something that none of them had, which was the memory of the sun.
Before: #3
Every day I see critisism againts other and even my self
After: #3
I see criticism daily against others, including myself.
Before: #4
I believe that if there were less students margot would have been fine. And she would have the chance to see the bright-yellow sun.
After: #4
If there were fewer students, Margot would have been fine, and she would have the chance to see the sun.
Before: #5
The wedding guest probably doen't believe Ahinyenev's story about the kiss because of how good the day was it going to be for the wedding bride and groom.
After: #5
The wedding guest don’t believe Ahinyeney’s story about the kiss, because of how good the day was going to be for the bride and groom.
is important to understand and identify words i didnt know for many reasons. One reason is , so i couldnt understand what im reading and not be stuck wondering what the word means. And i could identify it so when the word comes up later on i will understand what it means.
n for number three i coulnt answer that cause i really didnt kno what it really what it ment
We have been working with tone for the last few weeks in class, and it is time to start utilizing tone in your writing.
Before we begin, please recall that tone is the overall “attitude” or “feel” of a writing piece. Tone is made up of three main components: 1) Diction 2) Imagery 3) Figurative language. So, as you complete the task listed below be sure to utilize these three writing strategies.
Often times in our lives, certain events, people, or moments have defined who we are as individuals. Your task today is to write a narrative story about a moment in your life that helped make you
I found/Before/Wrong
1, Iplayed basketball last year but ihave to gert better for this seaon.
- i have to get ready for this year season.
2. last night i went to the mall and saw my sister an brother an they sayed they where goin colthes shoopin for me.
- i saw my brother an sister, they where goin shopping.
3. I think the quickness to gossip is a human trait. Nobodys is perfect on this earth. Everbody at some point will gossip. It's just our human instinct to gossip.
After:
4. The people at the wedding didn't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story Sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
What I found/Before/Wrong/Inffective:
I'm from North Camden. I had to move because of all the terrible things going on.
What I found/Before/Wrong/Inffective:
I had always got to play for my cousin leauge for free for about 12 years.
What I found/Before/Wrong/Inffective:
Most important time in my life was when I graduated from eighth grade. I messed up alot & i was lucky that i even graduated from there. None of these schools took me.
What I found/Before/Wrong/Inffective:
Anyway gossip is a part of society because no one can ever shut their mouths and it spreads. You have them people who like to investigate and stuff which make it worse.
What I found/Before/Wrong/Inffective:
The main character was talking about the times with her father. One of the times was when he dubbed her sister a princess.
Run - on
BEFORE :the wedding guests do not believe him for the simple fact that he made himself sound like he was guilty because Vankin never actually went around telling people about the sound effect or the tease Vankin made A jus assumed so he tryed to defend himself but he was wrong & started a rumor ..
AFTER: The wedding guest do not believe Sergio because he made himself sound guilty .Sergio went around to the guest telling them Vankin was just playing bout him kissing the cook. The guest didn’t even know about the story. Sergio actually started the rumor himself.
BEFORE: Another is that he seemed so caught up in sort of trance of guilt almost that he told everybody a version of the story till at one point he began telling a lie, what he was trying to prevent in the first place.
AFTER: Sergio was caught up in a sort of guilt that he told everybody his version of the story. He was trying to prevent the lie by spreading the rumor.
1 Well its good to understand words we don't know because it will help us become a better reader in life.
1. Well its good to understand words don’t know because it will help us become a better read in life.
2. Day in and day out as I got older I practiced and practiced If i didn’t have my hands in glove or a bat I was on my school books.
3. Day in and day out as l got older l practiced. If I didn’t have hands in glove or bat I was on my school books.
4. I think that it is important to understand or figure out the meaning to words you didnt know because it helps you figure out what it is that there talking about in your book and helps to understand what it is that is going on in the book
5. I think that it is important to understand or figure out the meaning to works .You didn’t know because it helps you figure out what it is there talking about in book and helps to understand. What it is that is going on in the book.
6. It is important to identify and understand words you didn’t know because sometimes a word confuses you.
7. It is important to identify and understand words you didn’t know because sometimes a word confuses you.
8. It is important to understand and identify words i didnt know for many reasons. One reason is so i couldnt understand what in reading and not be stuck wondering what the word means.
9. It is important to understand and identify words i didnt know for many reasons. One reason is , so i couldnt understand what im reading and not be stuck wondering what the word means
What I found / and what I fixed
1a) the reason that the wedding guest did not believe Ahinyenev story because he was first to tell what the rumor was about, Ahinyenev spilled the rumers himself.
1b) The reason that the wedding guest didnt believe Ahinyenev story was cause he was the 1st to spill the rumor.
2a) i think gossip is a human trait because of the fact that people hear things & they have close friends that might want to be updated espcially if you dont like that person..
2b) I think gossip is a human trait cause of the fact that people hear things and they have friends that might want to be updated especially if you dont like the person.
3a) I think that the people at the wedding din't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
3b) The people at the wedding didn't believe him because he went around saying that he didn't do it. He kind of made himself look like he did something. In the story Sergei started to tell everyone he didn't do it and he could have kept quit. No one was saying anything about what they thought he did.
4a) i think that THE REASON WHY it is important to i dentify and understand words you dont know is?
4b) it is important to identify and understand words you dont know is?
5a) Just think about stumbling across a word that you didnt know but when you go to identify the meaning you wont stumble across it again.
5b) stumbling across a word that you didnt know but when you go to identify the meaning you wont stumble across it again.
6a) I has playing baseball my whole life.
6b) I have been playing baseball my whole life.
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